Waiting on Someday

Yep, what did I tell ya? It's been over a week since I last updated my blog. I knew better than to say something in my last post.

It's been an uneventful week for the most part. I guess, in some ways, it's been an emotionally charged week. There hasn't been any major drama ~Thank God~ but I feel like I've been riding on an emotional roller coaster for some time. It's time for some life changes. I've just got to figure out what those life changes are going to be!

Why is it that I always say, "Someday, I'm going to [insert appropriate "someday" item here]?" I always live in the someday instead of the now? Am I the only one that does that? Rightnow, the biggest "someday" on my mind becoming a mommy. I'm 33 years old and my husband will be 34 in November. With every day that goes by, I can't help but mourn the past decisions I made in life. If I'd had my way, I would have had children at 23. But, then again, I did have my way and made pretty poor choices that have led me to my thoughts today.

Looking back at that time in my life, age 23, there were good reasons for not allowing that to happen. I was married to another man at that time and, to the say the least, it was not an environment for us to bring kids in to. That marriage only last four years, and I was 25 I when I found myself divorced. Ironically, the year was 2001...right before 9/11. That day changed the lives of many. That year change my life completely. I went from an unhappily married co-dependent wife to a single woman finding herself for the first time.

Do I really need to go on and say that I made even more mistakes (poor choices) after that? I guess I wouldn't be telling the whole story if I didn't include them. I loved my independent self, but I still secretly (ok, who are we kidding...it wasn't a secret) had the desire to be a wife and mother. And, when I met a man online who lived 800 miles away I thought he was the one for me. ~Begin Pause~ What the hell was I thinking??? ~End Pause~ There! No one has to ask that question now...I've already asked that of myself thousands of times while analyzing myself to near-death.

In 2003, I moved to Texas for that man. I got pregnant and lost my baby. I was, for all intensive purposes (not going into details), very ALONE! It has been the hardest thing I've had to go through in life. Not only did I end up losing a man whom I thought I was in love with, I lost a lot of that new independent self. And, on top of all of it, I lost a baby that I wanted so much!

After those "losses," I found myself in Colorado. Here I was again, single and independent and ready to take on the world. And, still in my heart was the longing to be a wife and mother. I tried to shove that dream to the side as I discovered myself. So, when I say I found myself in Colorado, it has two meanings. I not only relocated to the state, I found who I was after practically coming here with my tail between my legs.

The good thing about moving to Colorado is that I was free to be me in a new place. I had a lot of growing up to do. I met James (my now-husband) right when I first moved to Colorado. And, like any good single girl who wants her independence yet secretly longs to be someone's wife and mother, I started falling for him. Sigh!! He was good and kept me at bay! Yes James, the voice of reason...what a pushy little fella he was! Long story short...we eventually did profess feelings for one another (mine were stronger this his) and I moved in with him in early 2004.

Before anyone says, "oops...she did it again" (I've already said that to myself thousands of times), let's just focus on the fact that it all worked out. [Insert big BUT] it was a long 3-1/2 years before James truly came around. I loved that man and I knew he loved me, but he never really fell in love with me like I did him. Instead, I think he grew in love with me. And, the good thing is that he showed me that love is a verb! He showed me, and continues to show me, love every day through his actions. And, that's even on the days when I'm less than an ideal recipent (ie, when I'm being Bitchy!).

We may not have done it the right way by getting married first and then starting life together, but things have a way of working themselves out. We finally married on October 4, 2008. And, as is my nature to "jump the gun," I was ready to get starting on the baby making. It took James 7 months to come around to that same thought, however. But now, here we are doing our part and waiting on the Lord!

I'm trying to focus on the positive and look forward to the future, but I can't help but mourn those wasted years of my life. Were they my most fertile years? Did I throw them away with my poor choices? Will they come back and haunt me? And, all I seem to think is someday, someday, someday....why not Now Now Now?

As I ramble on this morning throwing out a bunch of regurgitated mumble-jumble, I'm left with the peace that I am not in control of this roller coaster ride. God's got his hands on the controls just like He's always had His hands out to catch me when I fell (ie, made those bad choices).He's not going to harm me, and I know He has an ultimate purpose for my life!

I'm here God...waiting on you!