My Heart's Condition: In a Rut

I feel like a bum, a loser, a faker, and a failure! I know, so many pessimistic words in one sentence. And, the truth is, I could probably go on and on and on.

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I need to make some decisions for my life. There need to be some changes...positive changes! Right now, I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone. And, I've only done that to myself. I know that it partly exists due to my strong desire to have a baby. I won't lie! I want what the majority of my friends have right now. Here's a perfect example...a club I can't even be a part of...

http://www.mops.org/

Since I was a little girl, I dreamed of becoming a mommy. I have pictures of me growing up in which I tended to my "babies". That wasn't just playtime for me. I had really real thoughts, feelings and emotions. I used to mimic my own mom and my friends' moms. I had names for my babies. I took them to the pretend grocery store and also to the real store. And, when I was too old to play with dolls, I kept that longing in my heart with the hope that someday I would be a "real live" mom. So, when is that someday going to be now?

I know...I know...I seem to go on and on about the whole someday is now thing. Hmmmm...what an apt title for a blog, eh? I guess that deep down inside I'm pissed at myself for the poor choices I made. I can't blame my highschool best friend for falling in love at a young age and marrying her high school sweetheart ...going on to have a daughter and a son. She and I lead very different lives and we've discussed that before. I will admit that I have probably done more alienating then she has. Is that because I'm envious? I think in her own way she may be a little envious of my life.

Every time I am around a young mother (in my case, the mothers' age is getting older and older), I want what they have. I covet their round bellies as they prepare for the birth of their child. I have in my mind that there life must be blissful just because they have children. And, I am also irritated when I hear moms tell me, "motherhood is not all it's cracked up to be!" Yeah? Well, you haven't walked in my shoes either so let's just agree to disagree for now. And when my someday is now and I'm the mommy ready to pull my hair out because my 2-year-old won't stop crying, maybe I'll just call you up and say, "yeah, you were right!" But for now, you are living my someday so please enjoy it for me!

Do I really sound as bitter as I feel right now? Man, I really need to just let go and let God. I'm in a stagnant place. I continue to wait. I am restless. And, it's unfortunate that in my wandering I am unable to find something better to do with my time. Grrrr!

On this journey TTC, I honestly do feel very alone. My husband is there to do his part, but I know he's not "in it to win it" like I am. He complains about the technical part of sex for baby making. He was also surprised when we didn't get pregnant the "first time." I fear the unknown. I'm afraid that we're going to be the couple visiting an infertility clinic and I'm going to hear my husband say, "we can't afford this!" And, if that happens, I fear my fear, bitterness and worry will escalate into hatred and rage. I need to have an open heart discussion with my husband, but right now my hear is just not prepared for it.

Lord, you are the one I need to help me out of this rut! I go to work every day. I have a decent job and receive kudos for the work I do. Why can't I be happy with that? Is it because that is not where my heart is? A few weeks ago, I approached my husband with the idea of becoming a stay-at-home wife (with the hope that that would someday "soon" turn into being a stay-at-home mother). He is open to the idea. Of course, there are things to work out with that: Do I work part time? If so, will it be outside of the home or inside? What are the pros and cons for staying at home? Which ones outweigh the other?

I know that I am rambling and on and on and on, but that is the condition of my heart right now. I'm unhappy with myself and need to get off my duff and do something about it. Each night, after dinner, we sit in the living room with the TV on, each of us on our respective laptops, not speaking with each other because we are too brain fried from the day. And, then we go to bed. We try to read from a couples' book (right now it's The Five Love Languages), but I just feel like there is something missing. I think I also feel this way because there is something missing in my husband's life too. He is restless, unsettled, and unhappy. He too is in a rut!

How can I be happy in the "now" that I am in? How can I put aside the thoughts of someday and just live for the moment? Am I the only one that goes through this? Why do I feel so alone? I need some girlfriends or something. I need a life focused on something other than someday!