Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I'm going to be a blogger

My hometown gazette has a website and there are a few people on there with blogs. I had recently seen an ad that they were looking for bloggers. I thought, "eh...why not...what have I got to lose." So, I typed up my first post and sent it in. Now, I'm not stupid! I'm sure that they don't have people chomping at the bit left and right trying to be a blogger for their site. So, I wasn't that surprised when they contacted me with a Blogger Agreement. I'm getting that sent in tonight. Hopefully they'll send me posting instructions soon! Regardless, I thought I'd share my first "post" in this blog. Here it is...

A Heart’s Journey Home

I’ve been away from McCook for 13 years and I want to come back! My zip code is in Denver now, but I have such a longing in my heart to return to my home—McCook, Nebraska, 69001.

After having lived in the big city, I can wholeheartedly say that I’m glad for my small town upbringing. Being born and raised in a small town has instilled in me values that I don’t see on a daily basis where I live now. I feel like I have an appreciation for life, or at least the simple things in life, that some individuals I meet have never known nor may never know. Like the highways I travel on a daily basis, life is fast paced and always on the go!


I used to think that living in a big city is where it’s all at, but my point-of-view has changed over the last several years. While I like the conveniences and amenities that a city such as Denver has to offer—stores that never close, access to all kinds of entertainment, a Walgreen’s or Wendy’s on nearly every street corner, and oh, did I mention the Rocky Mountains in front of me every day—I find it to be lacking in other areas. Perhaps for me those areas are of the heart. The big city is great for people-watching and intellectual stimulation; however, I’ve found that trying to keep up with the socioeconomic status of the Jones’ isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.


Please don’t get me wrong! Denver really is a great little big city, and people are generally friendly when you meet them face to face. One thing I have learned, however, is that Colorado drivers seem to use a completely different one-finger wave when they pass you on a busy highway. If I have to explain what I mean by that, then please make sure you keep up with the flow of traffic when driving on the Colorado highways. Unfortunately, there isn’t such a thing as a leisurely drive through the big city, and cordial “greetings” on the highway are few and far between. Also, a big no no in Colorado?! Showing your Husker pride on college game day, especially in Boulder. Who knew!?


When I first met my husband, a native Texan, he balked at the fact that I came from Nebraska. “What’s in Nebraska besides corn and cows?” he said. Yes, this is the general question I get when I tell someone where I’m from. That is, after they’ve gotten over the laughing and the “I’m sorry you’re from the middle of nowhere!” Even better, if I want to tell them I’m from McCook, I practically have to drag a map out to show them where it is. I’ve learned that unless one is from or has relatives in Nebraska, to outsiders there are pretty much only two cities in the land of the corn and cows—Lincoln and Omaha. Oh what people miss out on! I love that Nebraska is often referred to as the Heartland. And, I like to think of McCook as a little piece of heaven right smack dab in the southwestern corner of it.


Back to my husband, the corn-and-cows-commenting-comedian! The first time I brought him to Nebraska five years ago, it was as though I’d seen a changed man. I never have seen such peace on one’s face. And, he is more homesick than I am when we leave McCook after a visit with my parents. All of a sudden, the man I love—the one who had such a narrow-minded view of the heartland—has a heart that is longing to live in Nebraska. And, if he has his way, he’ll jump at the chance to become a McCookite (even though he really doesn’t know what a McCookite is.)


We’re on a journey! While we go through the daily motions of life in the big city, we listen to the cries of our heart and the longing to live in a more simplistic place. For me, having been born and raised in McCook, there is a soul connection that exists, one that I haven’t found since I left 13 years ago. For my husband, there is a peace that he has never found in any place he has lived. We’re not sure where our journey will lead but join us as we travel along. Maybe someday you’ll see us on the streets of McCook and hear my husband say, “howdy neighbor” (he’s a Texan after all). As for me, I will have found my way back home!


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Monday, September 28, 2009

What a Difference a Year Makes

So, last year at this time, James and I were entering the final countdown toward our wedding day. I'm glad we both took time off from work because there was so much to get done.


I designed the programs myself so we spent that last week proofing,
printing, and assembling. I enjoyed it but James not so much! :-)




Programs assembled and ready to go!



Our centerpieces were very simple so I spent time assembling a sample for our cater to put together. The leaves inside of the candle holder had our names and wedding date on them.



A view from the top with leaves scattered about.

In this last week of "mass chaos," we had four little ones to attend too. Our fur-kids for sure felt that they needed to be part of the action.



Sophie loves to be in the middle of it all!


Being an indoor cat, this is the closest she gets to leaves.



And then it was Archie's turn to get in on the action!



Oh yes, he loves the "smell" of Fall!



The girls (dogs) also had to make their own fun. Autumn and
Brandie making a tunnel out of the cat beds.




Autumn realizes it didn't work out the way she thought it would.
Meanwhile, Archie comes over to "inspect."


Amidst all of the craziness, we found time to sit back, relax, and enjoy some furry love!



Daddy was the center of attention!



My turn dad!


Here's how the programs and centerpieces actually looked the day of the wedding!









I was going for "Rustic Elegance." I was happy with everything!

Disclaimer: No furry children were hurt during the last minute preparations for our wedding although they were a bit . . .



Bored and annoyed!



...and perhaps a wee bit tired!

Six days and counting until our first anniversary! More to come....

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Sunday, September 20, 2009

One Year Ago


Last year, James and I were in the final two weeks of preparing for our big day. In the 7-1/2 months since we'd been engaged, I certainly put James through A LOT. And, I am ashamed to say that I wore the title of Bridezilla for some time. But, we made it through and in two weeks, on October 4th, James and I will celebrate one year of wedded bliss! Yay!

It was a year ago on September 18th when my co-workers through me a bridal shower. It was so very nice of them. I have to admit that I felt kind of bad though. My department invited the entire organization of 100 people. Well, I wasn't sure who would show up because I didn't know many people there. My department and a few others were the only ones that showed up. Perhaps if the rest of the staff knew they could just show up for cake there may have been more in attendance. Regardless, it was a great day!


I walked into a table full of gifts and beautiful decorations.
Those are leaves hanging in front of the window


I was overwhelmed when I first walked in and immediately broke in to tears. They offered me some punch and the first question out of my mouth was, "is it spiked?" LOL! I'm not very good at being the center of attention and would have loved something to relax. Needless to say it wasn't spiked. It was very good though-- Orange sherbet punch.




My co-worker Liz and I (with the non-spiked punch).


The cake for James and I. Unfortunately, James was unable to be there.
I think they spelled my name wrong but that's okay. The cake was good!



We were registered at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
We received so many great gifts from everyone.



The little blue thing in my hand is a "man" made out of cellephone. It
had something to do with the card, but I can't remember what it was now! :-(



The following weekend my sister had arrange a couples party for James and I. She sent out the invite to those on the list I provide but didn't tell us anything about it. I gave her some different ideas of places we could go, etc. We were actually surprised when she picked Dave & Busters. That is where James and I met for the first time in real life (we actually "met" online). It was pretty cool!


James and I at our Couples Shower.


Stealing a Kiss!


James and I with my sister, Tobi, who threw the party for us!


It was a small group, but we definitely had a good time. There were
two other couples. The rest in the picture are single.


Tobi passed around a 2009 calendar and have everyone write entries of things that we should do within our first year of marriage. There were some...uh...interesting entries to say the least!

It's hard to believe a year has gone by. Soon I will be remembering out wedding day through pictures!
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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

My Heart's Condition: In a Rut

I feel like a bum, a loser, a faker, and a failure! I know, so many pessimistic words in one sentence. And, the truth is, I could probably go on and on and on.

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I need to make some decisions for my life. There need to be some changes...positive changes! Right now, I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone. And, I've only done that to myself. I know that it partly exists due to my strong desire to have a baby. I won't lie! I want what the majority of my friends have right now. Here's a perfect example...a club I can't even be a part of...


Since I was a little girl, I dreamed of becoming a mommy. I have pictures of me growing up in which I tended to my "babies". That wasn't just playtime for me. I had really real thoughts, feelings and emotions. I used to mimic my own mom and my friends' moms. I had names for my babies. I took them to the pretend grocery store and also to the real store. And, when I was too old to play with dolls, I kept that longing in my heart with the hope that someday I would be a "real live" mom. So, when is that someday going to be now?


I know...I know...I seem to go on and on about the whole someday is now thing. Hmmmm...what an apt title for a blog, eh? I guess that deep down inside I'm pissed at myself for the poor choices I made. I can't blame my highschool best friend for falling in love at a young age and marrying her high school sweetheart ...going on to have a daughter and a son. She and I lead very different lives and we've discussed that before. I will admit that I have probably done more alienating then she has. Is that because I'm envious? I think in her own way she may be a little envious of my life.

Every time I am around a young mother (in my case, the mothers' age is getting older and older), I want what they have. I covet their round bellies as they prepare for the birth of their child. I have in my mind that there life must be blissful just because they have children. And, I am also irritated when I hear moms tell me, "motherhood is not all it's cracked up to be!" Yeah? Well, you haven't walked in my shoes either so let's just agree to disagree for now. And when my someday is now and I'm the mommy ready to pull my hair out because my 2-year-old won't stop crying, maybe I'll just call you up and say, "yeah, you were right!" But for now, you are living my someday so please enjoy it for me!

Do I really sound as bitter as I feel right now? Man, I really need to just let go and let God. I'm in a stagnant place. I continue to wait. I am restless. And, it's unfortunate that in my wandering I am unable to find something better to do with my time. Grrrr!

On this journey TTC, I honestly do feel very alone. My husband is there to do his part, but I know he's not "in it to win it" like I am. He complains about the technical part of sex for baby making. He was also surprised when we didn't get pregnant the "first time." I fear the unknown. I'm afraid that we're going to be the couple visiting an infertility clinic and I'm going to hear my husband say, "we can't afford this!" And, if that happens, I fear my fear, bitterness and worry will escalate into hatred and rage. I need to have an open heart discussion with my husband, but right now my hear is just not prepared for it.

Lord, you are the one I need to help me out of this rut! I go to work every day. I have a decent job and receive kudos for the work I do. Why can't I be happy with that? Is it because that is not where my heart is? A few weeks ago, I approached my husband with the idea of becoming a stay-at-home wife (with the hope that that would someday "soon" turn into being a stay-at-home mother). He is open to the idea. Of course, there are things to work out with that: Do I work part time? If so, will it be outside of the home or inside? What are the pros and cons for staying at home? Which ones outweigh the other?

I know that I am rambling and on and on and on, but that is the condition of my heart right now. I'm unhappy with myself and need to get off my duff and do something about it. Each night, after dinner, we sit in the living room with the TV on, each of us on our respective laptops, not speaking with each other because we are too brain fried from the day. And, then we go to bed. We try to read from a couples' book (right now it's The Five Love Languages), but I just feel like there is something missing. I think I also feel this way because there is something missing in my husband's life too. He is restless, unsettled, and unhappy. He too is in a rut!

How can I be happy in the "now" that I am in? How can I put aside the thoughts of someday and just live for the moment? Am I the only one that goes through this? Why do I feel so alone? I need some girlfriends or something. I need a life focused on something other than someday!

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Saturday, September 12, 2009

Waiting on Someday

Yep, what did I tell ya? It's been over a week since I last updated my blog. I knew better than to say something in my last post.

It's been an uneventful week for the most part. I guess, in some ways, it's been an emotionally charged week. There hasn't been any major drama ~Thank God~ but I feel like I've been riding on an emotional roller coaster for some time. It's time for some life changes. I've just got to figure out what those life changes are going to be!

Why is it that I always say, "Someday, I'm going to [insert appropriate "someday" item here]?" I always live in the someday instead of the now? Am I the only one that does that? Rightnow, the biggest "someday" on my mind becoming a mommy. I'm 33 years old and my husband will be 34 in November. With every day that goes by, I can't help but mourn the past decisions I made in life. If I'd had my way, I would have had children at 23. But, then again, I did have my way and made pretty poor choices that have led me to my thoughts today.

Looking back at that time in my life, age 23, there were good reasons for not allowing that to happen. I was married to another man at that time and, to the say the least, it was not an environment for us to bring kids in to. That marriage only last four years, and I was 25 I when I found myself divorced. Ironically, the year was 2001...right before 9/11. That day changed the lives of many. That year change my life completely. I went from an unhappily married co-dependent wife to a single woman finding herself for the first time.

Do I really need to go on and say that I made even more mistakes (poor choices) after that? I guess I wouldn't be telling the whole story if I didn't include them. I loved my independent self, but I still secretly (ok, who are we kidding...it wasn't a secret) had the desire to be a wife and mother. And, when I met a man online who lived 800 miles away I thought he was the one for me. ~Begin Pause~ What the hell was I thinking??? ~End Pause~ There! No one has to ask that question now...I've already asked that of myself thousands of times while analyzing myself to near-death.

In 2003, I moved to Texas for that man. I got pregnant and lost my baby. I was, for all intensive purposes (not going into details), very ALONE! It has been the hardest thing I've had to go through in life. Not only did I end up losing a man whom I thought I was in love with, I lost a lot of that new independent self. And, on top of all of it, I lost a baby that I wanted so much!

After those "losses," I found myself in Colorado. Here I was again, single and independent and ready to take on the world. And, still in my heart was the longing to be a wife and mother. I tried to shove that dream to the side as I discovered myself. So, when I say I found myself in Colorado, it has two meanings. I not only relocated to the state, I found who I was after practically coming here with my tail between my legs.

The good thing about moving to Colorado is that I was free to be me in a new place. I had a lot of growing up to do. I met James (my now-husband) right when I first moved to Colorado. And, like any good single girl who wants her independence yet secretly longs to be someone's wife and mother, I started falling for him. Sigh!! He was good and kept me at bay! Yes James, the voice of reason...what a pushy little fella he was! Long story short...we eventually did profess feelings for one another (mine were stronger this his) and I moved in with him in early 2004.

Before anyone says, "oops...she did it again" (I've already said that to myself thousands of times), let's just focus on the fact that it all worked out. [Insert big BUT] it was a long 3-1/2 years before James truly came around. I loved that man and I knew he loved me, but he never really fell in love with me like I did him. Instead, I think he grew in love with me. And, the good thing is that he showed me that love is a verb! He showed me, and continues to show me, love every day through his actions. And, that's even on the days when I'm less than an ideal recipent (ie, when I'm being Bitchy!).

We may not have done it the right way by getting married first and then starting life together, but things have a way of working themselves out. We finally married on October 4, 2008. And, as is my nature to "jump the gun," I was ready to get starting on the baby making. It took James 7 months to come around to that same thought, however. But now, here we are doing our part and waiting on the Lord!

I'm trying to focus on the positive and look forward to the future, but I can't help but mourn those wasted years of my life. Were they my most fertile years? Did I throw them away with my poor choices? Will they come back and haunt me? And, all I seem to think is someday, someday, someday....why not Now Now Now?

As I ramble on this morning throwing out a bunch of regurgitated mumble-jumble, I'm left with the peace that I am not in control of this roller coaster ride. God's got his hands on the controls just like He's always had His hands out to catch me when I fell (ie, made those bad choices).He's not going to harm me, and I know He has an ultimate purpose for my life!

I'm here God...waiting on you!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Glad it's Hump Day

It's day four of my attempt to keep a blog. So far so good! Of course, now that I've said that I expect things to go downhill from here. I haven't yet finished the blog set-up, thus the absence of pictures in my blog title. I hope to get to that soon. I have the pictures but still need to work on the appropriate formatting for this blog background. Regardless, I will do my best to keep updating regularly.

Today was a pretty good day. I woke up with a bad attitude. Once again I had to face the reality that this wasn't our month to annouce a pregnancy...sigh! To get over it, I enjoyed a large sweet tea from McD's. I ended up working from home today and actually got quite a bit done. In fact, I think I was able to get more done today than I have in the office over the last couple of days. There is only one exception. This afternoon I ran out to get something to eat/drink, and when I came back the system had crashed. It took me forever to get things back up and running. Grrr!

In addition to getting a lot of work done, I was also able to do a glucose curve on my diabetic cat. He tolerated it well and is such a trooper when it comes to having his ears pricked several times a day. I was also able to get a ton of laundry done and make a pretty good supper. We had steak and twice-baked potatoes. I was worried that James wouldn't like the potato and would need to add his own "flavoring" to it. Well, it was almost completely gone when I asked how he liked it. He said they were damn good so that made me feel good! I didn't even follow a recipe but rather made up my own...nothing fancy but still good!

I'm now ready to put the day to bed. I'm glad it was hump day and tomorrow is Thursday. Of course that means it's one day closer to Friday...yay! And, it's even better because Labor Day is upon us this weekend. I will try and keep this blog updated on a more regular basis and will update with pictures soon. Maybe I'll even have something profound to say...lol! I don't think anybody's reading this yet, but maybe I'll gather a following. I'd be happy if I find just a handful of people to read....well, at least one person. More to come.. for now my bed is calling me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bri

p.s. Did I mention I enjoyed 2-1/2 glasses of wine with dinner. Take that Aunt Flo...Biotch!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Mama Duggar=19:Me=0

Yep, today brought the news of Michelle Duggar's 19th pregnancy. While I'm happy for her and I do truly like the family, I can't help but be a bit envious. There are so many of us who are anxiously awaiting the "plus" sign on the pee stick. She's seen it multiple times! Lord, it's so hard to have patience when those around me are living my dreams.

Why does it seem that everyone else is living my "someday"? When will it be my turn. I'm sure I sound like a broken record to family and friends, but it's just so hard. And honestly it's easier for me to withdraw and turn my thoughts inward. I guess that's probably why I've stayed away from friends who've lived my dreams. While I'm happy for them, it's sometimes really hard to be around them. That is one thing I challenge myself to work on. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm geting closer to living my "someday". The sad thing is that now I really don't have a lot of friends to share it with.

I've started this blog to record things happening in my life and to work on myself. I will soon be making a "list" of all the things I want/need to do, see, try. It is my hope that I can cross things off the list.