We are all mothers

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mommies out there! You are blessed beyond measure, but I know there is no need to tell you that. My thoughts are especially with those who have mommies in heaven, are mommies to angels in heaven, and those still waiting. Unfortunately, we are the ones who often go unrecognized on this day. Our arms are empty, but it doesn't mean we do not have the heart of a mother. I found the following on an online message board (can't remember where). I think it says it perfectly!

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
Author Unknown

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though there are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor , friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

So Many Hurting People

Again, it's been awhile since I updated here. One of the blogs I read on a regular basis, Kelly's Korner, does Show Us Your Life Friday. This past week she created a "Day of Prayer" post for people to leave their prayer requests. There are so many hurting people. I too posted a prayer request. After reading some of the trials others are going through, my own trials seem so small. But, our God is a big God and sees everything. Nothing is to big for God. Even though satan's attacks are very real right now, we have a great defender on our side.

Anyway, as I was reading some of the prayer requests this morning, the song "His Eye is on the Sparrow" came to mind. This is one of my favorite songs. I went to Youtube and found the song so I could listen while reading and praying. I hope that these prayer requests soon turn in to praises. I don't even know who reads my blog, but if you stumble across this post, won't you consider praying?

Life is what happens . . .

Wow! It's been a long time since I last wrote anything on my blog. I guess I won't be qualified for any blogger of the year awards. A lot can happen in six months (since I last wrote), and of course, a lot can't happen.

This morning got to thinking that had the IUI we had in June 2010 worked, we would be very pregnant now, possibly preparing for a birth at any minute. But, God had . . . and still has . . . other plans. Needless to say, we are NOT expecting a little one.

I've always liked the quote, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans" because it is so true. I know that I'm not in control of my own life, yet I go about life as if I were. And, what happens? Well, life just goes on until one day you wake up and realize that in some ways it has passed you buy. The last six months have been like that for me. I guess, if I were being completely honest, it has been that way for the last two years. It's as though I have been living in some kind of fog.

I think I had written before about wanting to quit my job and apply for the mommyhood job. Well, my application for the mommyhood job has not been accepted as we all know. But, I did quit my job. As of December 1, 2010, I have been an unemployed SAHW. Now, I know that it can't always be like this. In fact, just this past couple of weeks, I have tried to crawl out from under the rock where I've been hiding. I've been looking here and there for jobs. Of course, I've grown accustomed to this "staying home thing." And, seriously, it is probably not good for someone like me.

I will be the first to admit that I am a homebody, a hermit. I like to be in my home. And, when I stay here for so long, I do not want to leave. In fact, today I have to go to the dentist and am so dreading having to put my make-up on and do my hair. But, when I'm out and about I do feel better. Why am I like this? I think it only contributes to the depression I have felt these last couple of years while trying (unsuccessfully) to conceive a child. And, life just keeps on going while I sit here and sulk.

I mentioned that I have been out of work since December. Well, let me run down the last few months. The first few weeks were nice. I was taking it easy. And, since it was the holidays, I was enjoying the days by baking up a storm. Then, we hit the post-Christmas/New Year's blues. Blah!  I really didn't want to do anything except sit in my recliner and watch movies. Towards the end of January, I went back to my hometown (McCook, NE) for several days. I enjoyed spending time with my 87-year-old grandmother. We just talked and talked and talked. She has written down several of her "growing up" stories so I enjoyed reading those and asking questions. Staying with her was something I'd been longing to do for a long time. She has six children and several grandchildren and great-grandchildren. So, being able to have one-on-one time with her was nice for a change. I also saw my parents. It was very low-key and just what I needed.

When I got home after my long adventure, I knew it was time to do something. Of course, I also knew that I needed to start looking for work. I didn't do too much of that. But, I did began to get my house in order. i felt so accomplished when I got my pantry organized. I even have everything written down. Of course, I still need to add it to my computer inventory list and then start meal planning. Sigh...I am such a procrastinator. But, I always have the best of intentions!

Here we are in the middle of March. I am looking for work, but first I have to revise my resume. Holy Cow! That has been a process in and of itself. As previously mentioned, I'd really like to find something that allows me to work from home. Not sure what I'm going to find, but that is my hope.

I know this is a completely rambling post, but I figure that's kind of how life has been the last few months. We have decided we're going to call the endocrinologist (fertility doc) and have another IUI (more depending on the outcome). Last time we had one, got depressed, and just took a break. This time, we need to move forward. Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel. I know I need to be more upbeat, but I feel beat down. I do hope I can start looking for the positive things in daily life. I do hope I can find some friends (real life or online...doesn't matter at this point). I just need someone in our corner.

Anyway, I'm not going to re-read this (yet) so who knows what I've said. I've gotta go anyway. It's time to do something with my hair and face. Have a good one!