I always knew that I would be a mommy someday. Of course, I didn't know when that someday would come. I am quickly approaching 34 years old (as of August 6, 2010), and I'm still not a mommy. I really wish I did not dwell on this so much. It's like it has become this disease that has overtaken many parts of my life. I'm trying to cope but only going through the motions. I am feeling restless because I feel like I'm standing in the wrong line to fill out a job application that I may never be "hired" for.
About a year ago, I was feeling restless. At that time, we had been trying for a baby for approximately four months. I was still hopeful and optimistic that our time would be soon. That is not to say that I am not hopeful and optimistic now. It's just that now we are well past a year of trying. Not to mention,we know the "numbers" in relation to our bodies. Anyway, back to "about a year ago" . . . I had approached James with the idea of becoming a semi stay-at-home wife. We both knew that we were trying for a baby and didn't know when that time would come. We also knew that things in our household were unsettled due to our busy schedules. To get right down to it, I was (and still am) tired of the corporate work world. I wanted a break. I wanted the opportunity to run my household as a business. I wanted to be there as a support system for my husband, the main breadwinner in our family. I had dreams of keeping the house clean, putting food on the table, keeping our money in line (with savings all around), and just not being tired. I was going to give my self until March 2010 to figure it all out.
Obviously, March 2010 has come and gone and we are now here in July. I am still restless.I don't mind my job, but there are several things that make me feel uneasy when I go to it every day. I would actually love it if I had the opportunity to work from home. Even better, I would love it if I could work from home on a part time basis. Call me a homebody...yes, I know I am . . . but I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of driving 30+ minutes to work (one way) every day. Blame it on my small town roots. Everything in a small town was do-able. Even when I lived in a mid-size town I didn't have to plan around the long commute and/or being away from my house the entire day.
So, what do I do? Where can I apply to be that SAHW? Of course, I'd love the opportunity to be a SAHM. I am doing my best to trust God for that time. For those who think I'm whining and don't want to put in my share in the work force, you are wrong. I do want to contribute to society. I just don't want to keep going about it the way I have been. It's wearing me out. I love to be creative. Perhaps I can find my niche somewhere else. But, i need the chance to refuel so that I can find the drive and ambition to set out on following my dreams. For now, I will continue to stand in line for the job I want while putting my time in at a job that pays the bills, puts food on the table, allows me to buy the things I need. . . all while zapping my energy, my time, my spirit, and my creativity.
