We are all mothers

Happy Mother's Day to all of the mommies out there! You are blessed beyond measure, but I know there is no need to tell you that. My thoughts are especially with those who have mommies in heaven, are mommies to angels in heaven, and those still waiting. Unfortunately, we are the ones who often go unrecognized on this day. Our arms are empty, but it doesn't mean we do not have the heart of a mother. I found the following on an online message board (can't remember where). I think it says it perfectly!

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
Author Unknown

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though there are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.

I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.

I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child.

I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor , friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed.

I have succeeded.

I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it and join them in theirs.

I listen.

And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

So Many Hurting People

Again, it's been awhile since I updated here. One of the blogs I read on a regular basis, Kelly's Korner, does Show Us Your Life Friday. This past week she created a "Day of Prayer" post for people to leave their prayer requests. There are so many hurting people. I too posted a prayer request. After reading some of the trials others are going through, my own trials seem so small. But, our God is a big God and sees everything. Nothing is to big for God. Even though satan's attacks are very real right now, we have a great defender on our side.

Anyway, as I was reading some of the prayer requests this morning, the song "His Eye is on the Sparrow" came to mind. This is one of my favorite songs. I went to Youtube and found the song so I could listen while reading and praying. I hope that these prayer requests soon turn in to praises. I don't even know who reads my blog, but if you stumble across this post, won't you consider praying?

Life is what happens . . .

Wow! It's been a long time since I last wrote anything on my blog. I guess I won't be qualified for any blogger of the year awards. A lot can happen in six months (since I last wrote), and of course, a lot can't happen.

This morning got to thinking that had the IUI we had in June 2010 worked, we would be very pregnant now, possibly preparing for a birth at any minute. But, God had . . . and still has . . . other plans. Needless to say, we are NOT expecting a little one.

I've always liked the quote, "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans" because it is so true. I know that I'm not in control of my own life, yet I go about life as if I were. And, what happens? Well, life just goes on until one day you wake up and realize that in some ways it has passed you buy. The last six months have been like that for me. I guess, if I were being completely honest, it has been that way for the last two years. It's as though I have been living in some kind of fog.

I think I had written before about wanting to quit my job and apply for the mommyhood job. Well, my application for the mommyhood job has not been accepted as we all know. But, I did quit my job. As of December 1, 2010, I have been an unemployed SAHW. Now, I know that it can't always be like this. In fact, just this past couple of weeks, I have tried to crawl out from under the rock where I've been hiding. I've been looking here and there for jobs. Of course, I've grown accustomed to this "staying home thing." And, seriously, it is probably not good for someone like me.

I will be the first to admit that I am a homebody, a hermit. I like to be in my home. And, when I stay here for so long, I do not want to leave. In fact, today I have to go to the dentist and am so dreading having to put my make-up on and do my hair. But, when I'm out and about I do feel better. Why am I like this? I think it only contributes to the depression I have felt these last couple of years while trying (unsuccessfully) to conceive a child. And, life just keeps on going while I sit here and sulk.

I mentioned that I have been out of work since December. Well, let me run down the last few months. The first few weeks were nice. I was taking it easy. And, since it was the holidays, I was enjoying the days by baking up a storm. Then, we hit the post-Christmas/New Year's blues. Blah!  I really didn't want to do anything except sit in my recliner and watch movies. Towards the end of January, I went back to my hometown (McCook, NE) for several days. I enjoyed spending time with my 87-year-old grandmother. We just talked and talked and talked. She has written down several of her "growing up" stories so I enjoyed reading those and asking questions. Staying with her was something I'd been longing to do for a long time. She has six children and several grandchildren and great-grandchildren. So, being able to have one-on-one time with her was nice for a change. I also saw my parents. It was very low-key and just what I needed.

When I got home after my long adventure, I knew it was time to do something. Of course, I also knew that I needed to start looking for work. I didn't do too much of that. But, I did began to get my house in order. i felt so accomplished when I got my pantry organized. I even have everything written down. Of course, I still need to add it to my computer inventory list and then start meal planning. Sigh...I am such a procrastinator. But, I always have the best of intentions!

Here we are in the middle of March. I am looking for work, but first I have to revise my resume. Holy Cow! That has been a process in and of itself. As previously mentioned, I'd really like to find something that allows me to work from home. Not sure what I'm going to find, but that is my hope.

I know this is a completely rambling post, but I figure that's kind of how life has been the last few months. We have decided we're going to call the endocrinologist (fertility doc) and have another IUI (more depending on the outcome). Last time we had one, got depressed, and just took a break. This time, we need to move forward. Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel. I know I need to be more upbeat, but I feel beat down. I do hope I can start looking for the positive things in daily life. I do hope I can find some friends (real life or online...doesn't matter at this point). I just need someone in our corner.

Anyway, I'm not going to re-read this (yet) so who knows what I've said. I've gotta go anyway. It's time to do something with my hair and face. Have a good one!

Make yourself at home . . .

It's been a very long time since I've posted on this blog. Honestly, I've been in a pretty serious funk the last several months, but I'm trying to work my way through it. I started a new recipe blog, Dining with the Davis', and have been spending more time working on it.  But, that's not what this post is about.

I'm so excited that Kelly has started up her "Show Us Your Life" series again. This week it's "Show Us Your Living Rooms." Well, since my living room is relatively clean today (company is coming soon...ha ha), I thought I'd share. Our house is pretty small and the living room definitely has that cozy feeling. It's not my dream house or dream living room, but it's comfy for me. Welcome to my home . . .

Since we live in a bi-level home we technically have two living/ family rooms but only use the one upstairs.This is the view of our entryway from upstairs.

At the top of the stairs are our bookcases, which I am almost embarrassed to show you. By the way, we do not have children (yet) but do have four animals. This is the reason for the baby gate.

Here is another view. The bookcases are seriously in need of re-decorating. This is on my project list. The plan is to remove most of the books and movies. I’d like to add some more “decorative” things but nothing too knick-knacky. If you have any great ideas for bookcases let me know! Looking into our living room from the top of the stairs. It looks like a Lifetime movie is on TV.

Here’s another view. Notice the ledge in the background. We added that about five years ago. It  certainly makes the once-empty space more lively.

This is a view from the kitchen. Oh look, Haylie Duff is on today’s Lifetime movie.

 

Another view of the ledge and my comfy recliner, which my husband hates. Oh well, he doesn’t have to sit in it. We picked that rocking horse up at a garage sale, and that’s my Raggedy Ann doll. I look forward to snapping a picture of our “someday” child sitting next to these. The other stuff on the floor belongs to the dogs and cats (our “now” children).A view from the living room looking into the kitchen. This is not how our couch normally looks.

My husband’s friend used to work in a cigar shop. When the shop went out of business his friend bought this shelf. My husband acquired it when his friend moved out of the country.

The items on the shelves in our living room have significant meaning. Here are just a few of the special things. . .

Our wedding album. We’re coming up on two years.

Our cake topper

Our toasting flutes and wedding certificate (inside silver holder)

Our hourglass from the sand ceremony on our wedding day. I just love being able to turn it over and over again and again and watch the sand flow.

I discovered pottery painting a few months ago (great therapy). The plate is the first thing I painted. The bottom two items have to do with our hopes and dreams for a future child.

Well, I don’t think it’s fair to give you a tour of our home without truly keeping it real. So, here are some “behind the scenes” pictures of  what you would truly see when walking in to our home . . .

 
Brandie making herself at home on the couch . . .

Autumn cleaning out the empty peanut butter jar . . .
 and Archie and Sophie wishing they were outdoor cats.

So, there you have it. That’s my living room. And, if you made it to the end of this post then i should offer you a great big slice of this . . .

Where Do I Apply?

From the time I was a little girl, I used to play "mommy" and "wife." I would cart my dollies around and speak with my imaginary husband. I know that I was just emulating what I saw when I looked at my mom and her adult friends. I wanted to be just like them when I grew up. I never had younger siblings and was never around babies, with the exception of a few friends that had their own younger siblings. Oh how my sister and I tried to beg my parents for a baby brother. I wanted a real live human being to "pretend" with.

I always knew that I would be a mommy someday. Of course, I didn't know when that someday would come. I am quickly approaching 34 years old (as of August 6, 2010), and I'm still not a mommy. I really wish I did not dwell on this so much. It's like it has become this disease that has overtaken many parts of my life. I'm trying to cope but only going through the motions. I am feeling restless because I feel like I'm standing in the wrong line to fill out a job application that I may never be "hired" for.

About a year ago, I was feeling restless. At that time, we had been trying for a baby for approximately four months. I was still hopeful and optimistic that our time would be soon. That is not to say that I am not hopeful and optimistic now. It's just that now we are well past a year of trying. Not to mention,we know the "numbers" in relation to our bodies. Anyway, back to "about a year ago" . . . I had approached James with the idea of becoming a semi stay-at-home wife. We both knew that we were trying for a baby and didn't know when that time would come. We also knew that things in our household were unsettled due to our busy schedules. To get right down to it, I was (and still am) tired of the corporate work world. I wanted a break. I wanted the opportunity to run my household as a business. I wanted to be there as a support system for my husband, the main breadwinner in our family. I had dreams of keeping the house clean, putting food on the table, keeping our money in line (with savings all around), and just not being tired. I was going to give my self until March 2010 to figure it all out.

Obviously, March 2010 has come and gone and we are now here in July. I am still restless.I don't mind my job, but there are several things that make me feel uneasy when I go to it every day. I would actually love it if I had the opportunity to work from home. Even better, I would love it if I could work from home on a part time basis. Call me a homebody...yes, I know I am . . . but I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of driving 30+ minutes to work (one way) every day. Blame it on my small town roots. Everything in a small town was do-able. Even when I lived in a mid-size town I didn't have to plan around the long commute and/or being away from my house the entire day.

So, what do I do? Where can I apply to be that SAHW? Of course, I'd love the opportunity to be a SAHM. I am doing my best to trust God for that time. For those who think I'm whining and don't want to put in my share in the work force, you are wrong. I do want to contribute to society. I just don't want to keep going about it the way I have been. It's wearing me out. I love to be creative. Perhaps I can find my niche somewhere else. But, i need the chance to refuel so that I can find the drive and ambition to set out on following my dreams. For now, I will continue to stand in line for the job I want while putting my time in at a job that pays the bills, puts food on the table, allows me to buy the things I need. . . all while zapping my energy, my time, my spirit, and my creativity.

God is my GPS

I haven’t written for a long time. To be honest, I really don’t know how to put my thoughts into words these days. I feel like everything is a jumbled mess of emotion. To paint a picture in your mind, imagine a big well with someone falling down it, desperately grabbing for any type of life hold. That’s how I feel these days. No matter how positive I try to be. No matter how many bible verses I read. I still worry and stress over the unknown. Why is it that I can’t just let go and let God.

Since it’s been so long since I’ve updated my blog, I guess I should filll in the back story. It was in May 2009 when we finally made the decision to try for a family. I had my worries back then and had a feeling that it would take us some time. Of course, I naively thought that 2010 would be the year for baby Davis to arrive. That isn’t going to happen for us. My dreams of a “perfect 10” baby born on 10/10/10 have gone out the window. Now, seriously, I wasn’t aiming for a 10/10/10 baby, but the thought did cross my mind...until cycle 9 (January) when I knew it wouldn't happen.

In October (Cycle 6) of last year I finally went to my regular nurse practitioner to ask questions. Of course, she recommended I wait until January (Cycle 9) to see a doctor. She thought for sure that I would be pregnant by the time my appointment came around. Flash forward to February (Cycle 10) when I went to see the regular OB-GYN. She was optimistic and told me she had a “positive feeling” about our situation. That led to some blood tests and eventually led to having my hubby tested. In March and April (Cycles 11 and 12), my hubby graciously did his part of the testing. And, in May (Cycle 13) we made our first visit to the RE (reproductive endocrinologist).

While visiting with the RE, he introduced my hubby to all of the famous acronyms. I had already done so much reading so nothing was a surprise. He used the acronyms IUI, IVF, and ICSI. It was enough to give me hope but also caused our heads to spin. Then came the fun part. . . discussions about money. This was pure HELL! I will keep the details surrounding this to myself, but let me say that we had some serious valleys in our relationship for a couple of weeks. And, things aren’t perfect now. Financially speaking, infertility is a very VERY hard pill to swallow.

We made a decision to try our first IUI on Cycle 14. Leading up to the IUI, I took 50 mg of Clomid on cycle days 5 through 9. The actual IUI took place on Wednesday, June 9th. With much anticipation and lots of prayer, we went in and “did our thing.” James’ numbers were very pleasing to say the least. I had one good follicle and we were in the middle of perfect timing. Well, our one shot for that cycle did not work out. Thus, we did not see a positive sign on the pee stick.

Last Friday, we had a follow-up consultation with the doctor. He too is pleased with hubby’s numbers because they are up from the first sperm analysis. He also told me I had good eggs and that they weren’t old. Yay for good things! He wants us to try a few more IUI’s before looking into anything else (ie, IVF). So, here we are. Given our schedules for the next two cycles, we’ve decided to just take a little break. I really hope I can start to relax. The stress is not good when you’re trying to create a new life. Come September, we will see where we’re at.

Now. . . on to the emotions I have been carrying for so long now. Envy, anger, bitterness, and sadness are like these huge weights that constantly leave me in a negative place. I want to climb out of this pit, but I’m so scared of the outcome. It’s so sad, I know, to live life in such a down mood all of the time. I know that people don’t know how to approach me. I feel like the world is moving on around me. I just go through the motions. And, did I mention that I’m fat? I’ve gained so much weight that I don’t even know who I am anymore. Sure, I could gain some control of my life by just focusing on getting rid of the weight. I agree. And, that’s the very same conversation I had with the Oreos and milk this evening. I am getting ready to head back to my hometown for an all class reunion. That means all graduating classes will be making their way back. I want to look forward to it, but I am truly dreading it. I am going back to face all my friends who have families and have moved on with their lives. I’m just stuck stuck stuck.

I know this is a complete whiny, vent-filled post. But, that’s pretty much how life has been going lately. I do know God that you have a plan for me. I do love you. And, I do believe you have my best interest at heart. I’m sorry I whine and complain. I’m sorry that I feel like giving up/in almost every second of the day. Please just continue to walk beside me through this journey…this infertility road that I really don’t want to be on. I know that you are my GPS and will get me where I need to be. But, maybe you can keep the Oreos on your side for awhile. ;-)

Smalltown Nebraska girl takes on Denver

It's been a long time since I've participated in the "Show us your Life" posts for Kelly's Korner. My mind has been full and my heart has been heavy as of late. I think a light-hearted post is just what I need to do. Today on Show us Your Life is Show us Your Hometown.

So . . . on to my hometown . . .well, technically I'm a smalltown girl from McCook, Nebraska (population less than 8,000). This is where I was born and where I graduated from high school. This is where my parents still live. This is the town that my husband, a native Texan, has come to love. And, truthfully, we would be happy to move back there some day and raise a family. I've even captured some of that "longing" in a blog I started for the McCook Daily Gazette. (Sidenote: I obviously keep that blog up as well as I keep this one up. Ha!)

Now, on to the town I've lived in for the last 6 years. Well, I wouldn't call it a town. We live on the outskirts of the capital city of the beautiful state of Colorado . . . Denver!

If you've never been to Denver, let alone Colorado, I would encourage you to make it part of your "someday" vacation plans. How could you not like views like this:

 Echo Lake

 Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs

 Waiting for a sunrise on Easter morning at Red Rocks Amphitheater

Oh yes, HE has Risen!!!

In January, you can visit the National Western Stock Show and Rodeo. This has been around since the early 1900's. The stock show seems to extend the holiday season just a little bit longer. With Denver weather, you never know what you're going to get. One year we went and it was bitter cold. The next we were out and about in short sleeves . . . in the middle of January.

Of course, it's no surprise that we also see a little of the white stuff here in Colorado. The picture below just happens to show one of the years (2006) when we saw A LOT of the white stuff. There was a blizzard right before and after Christmas. I personally loved it because we were home for the holidays that year. I know others had a more difficult holiday while stranded up the road at Denver International Airport.

You can also have a lot of fun with snow in Colorado. My husband and I don't ski (yes, to some adventurers I'm sure that sounds ludicrous), but we have enjoyed our time in the snowy mountains. It's been a few (six to be exact) years since we went snowshoeing. Here we are standing in the middle of frozen Bear Lake.

  

It's fun to venture up in the mountains, but you need to take precautions because you never know when a tree may fall. Luckily my dad was here to help for the one below! :-)

 

After a long day in the mountains, if you like barley and hops, you may just find yourself in Golden for a tour of Coors Brewery or Fort Collins for a Budweiser tour.

Seriously, how could one doubt the presence of God when living in the middle of such a beautiful place. My husband and I truly felt His presence when we committed our lives to one another October 4, 2008.

And, there you have it! This is where I live. There is so much more to share, and I didn't even touch on half of it. Come to Colorado and see it for yourself. You may just find yourself singing Rocky Mountain High!!