His Heavenly Food

For the last 18 years, I have been living for that special "someday" in my life. I am 36 years old now and realize that I have not really lived my life but instead have been waiting for (and trying to control) 'my' idea of the perfect someday to begin. For me, that someday always included being a wife and mother. When I began this blog three years ago, in August 2009, I was so full of hope.   I had been married for nearly a year, and a few months earlier my husband and I had begun trying for a baby. Flash forward 3 years and 4-1/2 months later, we are still here with empty arms and burdened hearts. 

It has been a rough journey. It has been a journey that I have sat and analyzed over and over and over again. First, there was the denial stage. Surely there wasn’t anything wrong with us. Surely God would not deny me a child since I had believed HE placed this desire in my heart…this desire that I have had since I was 5 years old. I mean, I was the child who told my parents that they had to hold on to all of my toys because someday I would be bringing my kids to their house to play. That was how sure I was that I was meant to be a mom.

Discouragement set in after a year of trying. I was 33 at the time and I knew that “elderly” age of 35 was creeping up on me. I knew that fertility began going down at that age. We saw a specialist, and he confirmed we did indeed have some problems. Of course, because of the lack of insurance coverage and the fact that we are not made of money, I knew in my mind that we probably would not be able to go too far with treatment. My husband looked at things very differently than I did. Whereas I would have done anything for a child, He told me that he was not going to go into debt to have a child. To me, that screamed, “I do not want to have a baby so let’s just get over it and move on with life.” And, because, when I first met him, he was not sure he wanted children, I just figured this was an easy “out” for him. Resentment set in for me. It was at this time that I told him that, “I refuse to live in a childless home.” Yes, it came out as horrible as it sounds! Having both been married/divorced before, we knew what was underlying for a statement like that.

It was last year when we were pretty much on a break from everything. I had quit my job (yeah, I know, people would ask why would you do that if you want to have money to “try” for a child?). I loved being at home. And, truthfully, my dream always included being a state at home mom. Sadly, when I was feeling better about things (getting out of a rough job), my husband found himself in a horrible spot in his job. Things got progressively worse for him. It all came to a head in April 2011.  We felt like we had no hope at all. We were unable to start a family, I wasn’t working (by choice), my husband hated his job and it was taking a physical toll on his body, etc. The list seemed to go on and on and on. All I can really say is that satan was ever present in our home at that time. And, we were not wearing the proper spiritual armor to ward off his demons.

It was a couple of months later, in August 2011, that things began to look up. My husband had interviewed out of state for a job in Omaha, Nebraska. We were prepared to “go” if that is where God wanted us to be. But, we knew that He would have to work out all of the details. And, long story short, He did. Within a matter of months, we were packed and moved and renting a place in Omaha. My husband loves his job. We’ve bought a house. I have a job at a church that I love. Things were indeed beginning to look up.

We decided to see another fertility specialist here in Omaha and resume treatments. Well, that didn’t go so well. We tried in July and August 2012, and due to financial reasons, we just decided it was time to give up. This doesn’t mean that I have given up hope that God has a child for us. It just means that it is time for us to move on. Right now, I am in the process of rebuilding myself. I have fallen away from God. I have been a Christian for most of my adult life, but I have not been obedient to His word. For too long and in far too many ways, I have tried to control my destiny. I must admit that there is a piece of me that is scared I have missed out on my opportunity to ever be a mom simply because I made the wrong decisions earlier in life and tried to control the outcome.

 I’d like to say that things in my marriage have been great, but I would be lying to myself. We have had a rough go of it. Infertility (and finances) has only added to the stress of everything. It’s like we are two people who love each other, but we have become strangers to each other. I know that we need to work on our relationship so that we can strengthen it. After all, if God does bless us with a child (biologically or adopted), we need to be ready. I am living in expectation that God will move, but first I need to follow Him. He has always been there, and I’ve felt His presence.  I’ve just been too stubborn to walk in obedience to His Word.

I’ve never been a consistent blogger, and I don’t have high expectation for myself now that I will blog on a regular basis, but I do hope I will begin to grow in my faith and share that on here. I’m hungry right now. I’m feeding on scripture. I’m trying to soak myself in the Word. I desperately want to obey and follow Christ. I pray that my husband too will seek shelter in His Word. I pray that I can put on the spiritual armor every day and keep satan from seeking his evil influence into my mind and the mind of my husband. I am still weak. I am still human. My heart is still bitter and jealous and empty. But, as I continue to feed on the Word, I am finding strength and healing for my heartsickness.

I am getting ready to begin an onlinebible study following the book "Unglued" by Lysa TerKeurst. I am so excited! Over 13,000 women in all parts of the world will be following this study. God Bless Melissa Taylor and her group for putting this together. God Bless Lysa for writing the book. I am looking forward to worshiping God and to “virtual” fellowship with other believers. I know that I will learn things, and I hope that I will find the words to share on this blog. Maybe another hurting soul will find help from them.  Regardless, I know my heavenly Father is, and will continue, speaking to me. He is satisfying my hunger with a plate of His heavenly food. To that I say Bon Appétit!

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for loving me and for showing such grace when I didn’t deserve any at all. I have been a child, kicking and screaming on the floor. You’ve been a loving parent just trying to show me the easy way. But, in my defiance, I tried to run off and do it myself. I got lost….and scared…and lonely. You allowed me free will to do this. Father, please help me turn my will into following Your Will for my life. I’m still afraid of the outcome because of this addiction, this desire to have a child, that I’ve had consuming me for so long. If it is not in your will for me to have a child, please help me accept this. I trust that You will show me what is in store my life if I will just let go and trust in you. Father, please also lift up my husband, James. He too is a lost soul who loves you. Father, please help me extend the same type of grace to him that you extend to me. I am not here to change him, but I want to change my life and live for you. Thank you, Father, for your unconditional and everlasting love. In Jesus’ name, Amen.