Lord, it hurts...but, Thank you!

Wow! It has been so long since I last updated my blog. I've wanted to write, and I've sat down several times to write something, but the words would not come. It's like I've kept them locked up inside of my heart so tight.

I'm struggling right now! I feel like I am full of anger, hatred, bitterness, and despair. The other day, I actually uttered the words, "I think that God hates me!" I know that isn't true. I know that He loves me more than mere mortal could ever love. '

This past weekend I received another clear "NO!" We've been trying since last May to get pregnant, and the answer is always, "No!" I feel like I've done everything, tried everything, read everything. I've even backed off of the doing everything, trying everything, and reading everything. It seems the less I try to think about getting pregnant the more I think about it. And, it's hard when it's all around me. Just last month my friend told me she was pregnant with baby #3. They had only just started trying. This last week I learned that my hubby's co-worker's wife is going to have a baby.

It hurts Lord! It really really hurts. And, I feel so very alone. My husband thinks I need to see a Christian counselor, and he is probably right. I just long for some women friends. I long for someone who has been there/done that to take me in their arms and say, "it's all going to be okay." Instead, I feel like everyone must see this massive chip I have on my shoulder and make an executive decision to not even approach me. Wow! I must sound like such a loser. I have no true real-life friends that I can talk too.

This post is rambling and focused on one topic. But, it has been my reality lately. I'm doing the best I can to lift my head out of the fog. The other morning I picture myself climbing up into Jesus' lap. I just want to be held.

Lord, I am so thankful you are the Lord of my life. I am so thankful that You accept me for who I am. I'm so thankful you have placed people around me (some I may not even know of yet). I've read some wonderful blogs lately, and these have given me so much hope. I pray for the ladies who are hurting the same way I am. I pray, Lord, that you will fulfill them and lift them up. I pray that you will ease the heaviness of empty arms. You are the Lord of All! You put the desires in our hearts, and I believe You will fulfill Your purpose in each one of us! I love you Jesus!