Running With Perseverance

           Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. 

      

And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us (Hebrews 12:1b).

We are only on day 3 of the online bible study, and I have already learned so much about myself and how I respond to things (ie, what triggers my "unglued" moments  and that it's okay to take baby steps . . . as long as I'm moving forward and making progress . . . imperfect progress).

As I focus on the memory verse from Hebrews, I can't help but think back (I mean, waaaaaay back) to my high school days. I ran cross country my junior and senior year (hence the reeeeeeeeeeeeally old pictures),  and at that time in my life this verse meant everything. Not only did I apply it to daily training or the 2.5 mile course I ran for a meet, I also applied it to daily life, which I thought was real hard at the time. Looking back, I can say that life was much simpler then, especially since I did not know then what I know now.

It's been several years since my running days, and I've had many unglued moments in that time. Frankly, I haven't really liked the person I've become in the last 18 years. Rather than focus on God and His path for my life, I've tried to devise my own path and follow it. Well, as you can imagine (maybe you can relate?), I have ran in to roadblock after roadblock after roadblock. Sure, I’ve had happy times along the way, but in all of this“racing” I can attribute the good times to running with the Lord and the bad times to running my own path.

At this point in my life, I find myself desperately seeking the Lord’s guidance. This weight of empty arms has become more than I can bear. It’s become a “hindrance” to moving forward. It’s “entangled” my thoughts, and it’s kept me from running towards my Heavenly Father.

In chapter 1 of Unglued (page 14), Lysa TerKeurst says, “God gave us emotions. Emotions allow us to feel as we experience life . . . God gave me emotions so I could experience life, not destroy it.” That right there, that last part, EXPERIENCE LIFE, NOT DESTROY IT! It’s like being given permission to show emotion without any shame.

After reading her quote yesterday, here is what I wrote in my journal:

            I only get one life on earth and, by God’s grace, I will have eternity with Him in heaven.  While this may not be the path I would have chosen for my life . . . Sidebar: my path would have been the easy way of finding a Godly man, marrying that Godly man, becoming a mommy without any physical setbacks, and setting out to live the happily ever after with my family. . . anyway, I digress . . . while this may not be the path I would have chosen for my life, I know He allows me to express my feelings freely while on the path I'm currently running.  Even Jesus expressed His emotions while here on earth (John 11:35 says “Jesus Wept”).

My takeaway today on Lysa’s quote is on the “destroying” part. We should not use our emotions to destroy our lives.  I admit that I have let my emotions destroy life for me for the last 3-1/2 years.  I’ve let the heartache of being childless eat away to the very core of my being.  The crying and anger has left my insides in pieces. It has left me unglued!

            Now I want to turn my emotions into something positive. I want to use these emotions to experience life.  Does that mean this path I’m on is going to get easier? Will it mean that I won’t have any more unglued moments?  I’d like to say yes. But, realistically, I am human. God gave me grace though. He tells me it’s okay to fall as long as I get back up and make progress. I will persevere. He will be there to catch me if and when I stumble.

            Our memory verse this week, Hebrews 12:1b, fits my life’s race to a capital T.  I have been weighed down by my own baggage—it is a hindrance. And, the sin of bitterness, anger, and jealousy entangles me and has kept me from moving forward to the purpose God has for my life.  But, now I am lacing up my running shoes, ready to take HIS path by storm, and running this race with perseverance I can only find by following His Word!

Progress  . . . imperfect progress! It may be just a little progress made by teeny tiny baby steps, but I am trying. I am moving forward. I may fail tomorrow. I may have an unglued moment next week. But, I am living with the intent of staying focused on God's path. Satan may try and entice me with a shortcut, but I want to stay focused on the prize, the plan, the purpose God has for my life. At the finish line, I want to hear my Father say, well done daughter!

I’ll close my thoughts with one more motivational verse I used as a runner. I think it too is applicable to life's race.

Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. (1 Cor. 9:25)

Too all of my fellow "Unglued" sisters (and brothers), may God bless you as you make imperfect progress in your own race. Keep on running!!!!

His Heavenly Food

For the last 18 years, I have been living for that special "someday" in my life. I am 36 years old now and realize that I have not really lived my life but instead have been waiting for (and trying to control) 'my' idea of the perfect someday to begin. For me, that someday always included being a wife and mother. When I began this blog three years ago, in August 2009, I was so full of hope.   I had been married for nearly a year, and a few months earlier my husband and I had begun trying for a baby. Flash forward 3 years and 4-1/2 months later, we are still here with empty arms and burdened hearts. 

It has been a rough journey. It has been a journey that I have sat and analyzed over and over and over again. First, there was the denial stage. Surely there wasn’t anything wrong with us. Surely God would not deny me a child since I had believed HE placed this desire in my heart…this desire that I have had since I was 5 years old. I mean, I was the child who told my parents that they had to hold on to all of my toys because someday I would be bringing my kids to their house to play. That was how sure I was that I was meant to be a mom.

Discouragement set in after a year of trying. I was 33 at the time and I knew that “elderly” age of 35 was creeping up on me. I knew that fertility began going down at that age. We saw a specialist, and he confirmed we did indeed have some problems. Of course, because of the lack of insurance coverage and the fact that we are not made of money, I knew in my mind that we probably would not be able to go too far with treatment. My husband looked at things very differently than I did. Whereas I would have done anything for a child, He told me that he was not going to go into debt to have a child. To me, that screamed, “I do not want to have a baby so let’s just get over it and move on with life.” And, because, when I first met him, he was not sure he wanted children, I just figured this was an easy “out” for him. Resentment set in for me. It was at this time that I told him that, “I refuse to live in a childless home.” Yes, it came out as horrible as it sounds! Having both been married/divorced before, we knew what was underlying for a statement like that.

It was last year when we were pretty much on a break from everything. I had quit my job (yeah, I know, people would ask why would you do that if you want to have money to “try” for a child?). I loved being at home. And, truthfully, my dream always included being a state at home mom. Sadly, when I was feeling better about things (getting out of a rough job), my husband found himself in a horrible spot in his job. Things got progressively worse for him. It all came to a head in April 2011.  We felt like we had no hope at all. We were unable to start a family, I wasn’t working (by choice), my husband hated his job and it was taking a physical toll on his body, etc. The list seemed to go on and on and on. All I can really say is that satan was ever present in our home at that time. And, we were not wearing the proper spiritual armor to ward off his demons.

It was a couple of months later, in August 2011, that things began to look up. My husband had interviewed out of state for a job in Omaha, Nebraska. We were prepared to “go” if that is where God wanted us to be. But, we knew that He would have to work out all of the details. And, long story short, He did. Within a matter of months, we were packed and moved and renting a place in Omaha. My husband loves his job. We’ve bought a house. I have a job at a church that I love. Things were indeed beginning to look up.

We decided to see another fertility specialist here in Omaha and resume treatments. Well, that didn’t go so well. We tried in July and August 2012, and due to financial reasons, we just decided it was time to give up. This doesn’t mean that I have given up hope that God has a child for us. It just means that it is time for us to move on. Right now, I am in the process of rebuilding myself. I have fallen away from God. I have been a Christian for most of my adult life, but I have not been obedient to His word. For too long and in far too many ways, I have tried to control my destiny. I must admit that there is a piece of me that is scared I have missed out on my opportunity to ever be a mom simply because I made the wrong decisions earlier in life and tried to control the outcome.

 I’d like to say that things in my marriage have been great, but I would be lying to myself. We have had a rough go of it. Infertility (and finances) has only added to the stress of everything. It’s like we are two people who love each other, but we have become strangers to each other. I know that we need to work on our relationship so that we can strengthen it. After all, if God does bless us with a child (biologically or adopted), we need to be ready. I am living in expectation that God will move, but first I need to follow Him. He has always been there, and I’ve felt His presence.  I’ve just been too stubborn to walk in obedience to His Word.

I’ve never been a consistent blogger, and I don’t have high expectation for myself now that I will blog on a regular basis, but I do hope I will begin to grow in my faith and share that on here. I’m hungry right now. I’m feeding on scripture. I’m trying to soak myself in the Word. I desperately want to obey and follow Christ. I pray that my husband too will seek shelter in His Word. I pray that I can put on the spiritual armor every day and keep satan from seeking his evil influence into my mind and the mind of my husband. I am still weak. I am still human. My heart is still bitter and jealous and empty. But, as I continue to feed on the Word, I am finding strength and healing for my heartsickness.

I am getting ready to begin an onlinebible study following the book "Unglued" by Lysa TerKeurst. I am so excited! Over 13,000 women in all parts of the world will be following this study. God Bless Melissa Taylor and her group for putting this together. God Bless Lysa for writing the book. I am looking forward to worshiping God and to “virtual” fellowship with other believers. I know that I will learn things, and I hope that I will find the words to share on this blog. Maybe another hurting soul will find help from them.  Regardless, I know my heavenly Father is, and will continue, speaking to me. He is satisfying my hunger with a plate of His heavenly food. To that I say Bon Appétit!

Thank you, Lord Jesus, for loving me and for showing such grace when I didn’t deserve any at all. I have been a child, kicking and screaming on the floor. You’ve been a loving parent just trying to show me the easy way. But, in my defiance, I tried to run off and do it myself. I got lost….and scared…and lonely. You allowed me free will to do this. Father, please help me turn my will into following Your Will for my life. I’m still afraid of the outcome because of this addiction, this desire to have a child, that I’ve had consuming me for so long. If it is not in your will for me to have a child, please help me accept this. I trust that You will show me what is in store my life if I will just let go and trust in you. Father, please also lift up my husband, James. He too is a lost soul who loves you. Father, please help me extend the same type of grace to him that you extend to me. I am not here to change him, but I want to change my life and live for you. Thank you, Father, for your unconditional and everlasting love. In Jesus’ name, Amen.