Since it’s been so long since I’ve updated my blog, I guess I should filll in the back story. It was in May 2009 when we finally made the decision to try for a family. I had my worries back then and had a feeling that it would take us some time. Of course, I naively thought that 2010 would be the year for baby Davis to arrive. That isn’t going to happen for us. My dreams of a “perfect 10” baby born on 10/10/10 have gone out the window. Now, seriously, I wasn’t aiming for a 10/10/10 baby, but the thought did cross my mind...until cycle 9 (January) when I knew it wouldn't happen.
In October (Cycle 6) of last year I finally went to my regular nurse practitioner to ask questions. Of course, she recommended I wait until January (Cycle 9) to see a doctor. She thought for sure that I would be pregnant by the time my appointment came around. Flash forward to February (Cycle 10) when I went to see the regular OB-GYN. She was optimistic and told me she had a “positive feeling” about our situation. That led to some blood tests and eventually led to having my hubby tested. In March and April (Cycles 11 and 12), my hubby graciously did his part of the testing. And, in May (Cycle 13) we made our first visit to the RE (reproductive endocrinologist).
While visiting with the RE, he introduced my hubby to all of the famous acronyms. I had already done so much reading so nothing was a surprise. He used the acronyms IUI, IVF, and ICSI. It was enough to give me hope but also caused our heads to spin. Then came the fun part. . . discussions about money. This was pure HELL! I will keep the details surrounding this to myself, but let me say that we had some serious valleys in our relationship for a couple of weeks. And, things aren’t perfect now. Financially speaking, infertility is a very VERY hard pill to swallow.
We made a decision to try our first IUI on Cycle 14. Leading up to the IUI, I took 50 mg of Clomid on cycle days 5 through 9. The actual IUI took place on Wednesday, June 9th. With much anticipation and lots of prayer, we went in and “did our thing.” James’ numbers were very pleasing to say the least. I had one good follicle and we were in the middle of perfect timing. Well, our one shot for that cycle did not work out. Thus, we did not see a positive sign on the pee stick.
Last Friday, we had a follow-up consultation with the doctor. He too is pleased with hubby’s numbers because they are up from the first sperm analysis. He also told me I had good eggs and that they weren’t old. Yay for good things! He wants us to try a few more IUI’s before looking into anything else (ie, IVF). So, here we are. Given our schedules for the next two cycles, we’ve decided to just take a little break. I really hope I can start to relax. The stress is not good when you’re trying to create a new life. Come September, we will see where we’re at.
Now. . . on to the emotions I have been carrying for so long now. Envy, anger, bitterness, and sadness are like these huge weights that constantly leave me in a negative place. I want to climb out of this pit, but I’m so scared of the outcome. It’s so sad, I know, to live life in such a down mood all of the time. I know that people don’t know how to approach me. I feel like the world is moving on around me. I just go through the motions. And, did I mention that I’m fat? I’ve gained so much weight that I don’t even know who I am anymore. Sure, I could gain some control of my life by just focusing on getting rid of the weight. I agree. And, that’s the very same conversation I had with the Oreos and milk this evening. I am getting ready to head back to my hometown for an all class reunion. That means all graduating classes will be making their way back. I want to look forward to it, but I am truly dreading it. I am going back to face all my friends who have families and have moved on with their lives. I’m just stuck stuck stuck.
I know this is a complete whiny, vent-filled post. But, that’s pretty much how life has been going lately. I do know God that you have a plan for me. I do love you. And, I do believe you have my best interest at heart. I’m sorry I whine and complain. I’m sorry that I feel like giving up/in almost every second of the day. Please just continue to walk beside me through this journey…this infertility road that I really don’t want to be on. I know that you are my GPS and will get me where I need to be. But, maybe you can keep the Oreos on your side for awhile. ;-)
